A weekly journal to chronicle my social media usage in an attempt to reduce emotional investment and raise self-awareness to the value of what I’m contributing to “the conversation”
January 17, 2014
Tweet: wife is gone til monday. will someone come over and be assertive to the bank and cable company until she gets back?
My wife doesn’t use Twitter or Facebook, but any time I can use the idea of her as a vehicle to highlight my own shortcomings as a human being, I’m gonna take it. In general, I don’t support talking about people on social media when they’re not using it, or using social media to vent grievances (not that this hasn’t ever happened). Like, jesus, the amount of shit that teachers talk on their students via fbook is astounding.
January 18, 2014
Tweet: just woke up from a dream that i was at a mall signing for justin beiber, katy perry, and new phenom: ‘smyler’ (smile + tyler)
During the dream, I overheard a teen fan wanting to get in the ‘Smyler’ line because it was the shortest of the three. Remember feeling really bad for Smyler at that point. Fav’d by @laura_condi, who is a funny comedian and it validates my entire existence when funny people approve of my jokes (despite the ephemeral sadness I felt toward ‘Smyler’ for the rest of the day)
Sometimes I worry that I have IBS. Rec’d no favs or RTs. PS: #garbageheap was a hastag invented by @ryenschlegel to describe Idaho, I think.
January 19, 2014
Tweet: thought too hard about the classist undertones of ernest p worrell yesterday
Me and @peterholslin watched ‘Ernest Goes to Camp,’ and ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’ in one sitting. We shared a meat-lovers pizza and a bag of Limon-flavored chips. I unsuccessfully tried to argue that Jim Varney was a p handsome man. Just two smart dudes with college degrees here. Fav’d and RT’d by @jemersmith, who, by the attention he gave to this tweet, is also really smart.
Tweet: Thanks but no thanks, coconut water. I already know what semen tastes like.
Get your lukewarm sweet and sour cumjuice outta my face. PS: Kind of feel that any dude who says they don’t know what their own semen tastes like are either lying or do not lead adventurous lives.
Facebook: This year will be my first time going to AWP. Would really like to meet everyone I haven’t in-person, and like to go to cool readings and panels and all that but also really want to find a place to do karaoke on Friday night.
Yeah, I’m going to AWP. Let’s meet up.
January 20, 2014
Tweet: had a dream where i went to hell and the first thing the devil asked was “so when are you going to have kids?”
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Fav’d and RT’d by @mcbroomifer, so it got quite a bit of favs by people who also like the devil and not having babies right now.
Tweet: Everybody freaks out about the arrow between the E and the x in ‘FedEx’, but I think the spoon between the e and the d is much cooler
Came up with this tweet while at the gym and a FedEx truck parked right in front of the elliptical. This is my routine: 30 mins on the “harder” elliptical or 40 minutes on the “easier” elliptical (designations based on completely arbitrary [I’m sure] observations, ie handle shape]. Do that 4-5 times a week. I don’t think it’s very effective, but then again, I don’t really know what my goal is. To lose weight? To get fit? Of course, both these things are superficially desirable—and I’d be lying if I didn’t feel a little bit of body anxiety, but even that’s gone down in the last couple years (what’s the point of getting married if you can’t get fat?). Anyway, will continue to analyze this. Feel free to share your own exercise regimens in the comments.
January 21, 2014
Tweet: .@badsandwich The new lawrence arms is great. it’s fast and strong, but also pulling heartstrings in unexpected ways. congrats.
The Lawrence Arms have been one of my favorite bands since high school—just love a lot of that darker pop-punk that was coming out of Chicago during the early 2000s. But where bands like Alkaline Trio (one of my other faves) have veered into melodrama and theatrics over the years, I feel like TLA have kept producing fast, powerful, bitter and funny songs for their entire run. This new one—Metropole—is their first full-length in eight years, and it doesn’t disappoint, but it’s really dark and sad in ways that I’ve never heard in TLA before. Aging seems to be a prevalent theme, or at least time passing, and the passage from then to now has been ugly, full of forgetfulness, bitterness toward a lost youth, an unfulfilled life, or something. There’s no, “look at us, we’re back!”; it’s the anti-comeback album. Anyway, I think it’s probably the most honest record that a band like them could put out right now, and I’m thankful for it. Felt like I should let singer/bassist Brendan Kelly know, because he’s got a very funny/caustic presence on twitter and I think people like that have to endure a bunch of other “funny” people on twitter, and probably don’t get a lot of earnest praise…? I could be wrong about that, but you know how people on the internet are: for every person who can be gross and funny, there’s a bunch more without any tact, trying to one-up you.
Tweet: An unsuccessful breakthru in pizza technology that reveals a new place to store more crust
Imagine a pizza scientist, working with pizza beakers, and pizza bunsen burners. He’s taking notes on a clipboard made of pizza and pepperoni graphics on his labcoat. Picture this scientist, working sleepless nights, on the weekends… goddamnit, abandoning joke.
January 22, 2014
Tweet: everybody who orders at starbucks could be the singer for red hot chili peppers
Making Starbucks and RHCP jokes, respectively, is like fish in barrels; together, it’s like blasting a whale with a canon from the inside of it. ‘Can I have a bippity cali danni frappachino?’ Fav’d by @lindsaydevon who is my favorite writer right now and it always makes me feel like I did something good when she approves of my tweets.
Tweet: I hated seaworld before it was cool.
Okay, so I guess I should explain my qualms with Blackfish, since it’s basically the straw that broke my social media back. I mean, I get people’s fascination with it, because the film does present whale psychosis in a pretty interesting way (tried to get #whalepsychosis trending once), but it’s manipulative in the worst, sensationalist, PETA-type of way. The emotions that it evokes feel cheap. And it’s like, I get sad when smart people let movies inform their decisions. Did you think SeaWorld was really that great before you saw Blackfish? Does there need to be similar doc about zoos to convince you that animals would probably be happier without cages?
Tweet: justin bieber giving a bad name to all yellow lamborghini drivers
After hitting send on a topical joke tweet, reward yourself with a frozen burrito. Give it an extra 30 seconds in the microwave for every RT you receive. With enough practice, you will be a regular commenter on the internet and eating fully-cooked burritos in no time.